If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
