you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
The air taste purple.
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