Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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