I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize