just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
