your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Never joke about your clitoris.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
