last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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