i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
