Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
