They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
