umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
