i don't like sucking hair
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
