I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
