mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
