Pregnant stripper...not hot.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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