if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
