my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
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