So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
