Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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