I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
