Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
