just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
