ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
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