i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
