She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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