it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize