look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
