Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
