Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
