Soap is not a condiment
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
