I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
