Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
