guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
