I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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