The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Randomize
