If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
