We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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