I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
