i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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