i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Randomize
