Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
