I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
