you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
