A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
