I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
