When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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