the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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