I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
oh god was she eating orange peels again
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
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