Hey man sorry I got all grabby
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
