I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize