$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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