I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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