So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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