this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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