I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
