i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
