My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
either way he was missing a nipple.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
