dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
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