god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
