cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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